Worst Day Ever
The fact I remain within this day challenged and learning as a stunned child grasping a bruised lily has me reeling.
It started: 1) I woke up to a clock that hadn't gone off that was saying it was 9:17.
Panic. Ok? Panic. I am going to miss my first class. *shame* Teresa isn't here and I wanted to do even BETTER in her absence than when she is here. *guilt* I should call people and let them know. *exposure*
Then I checked our messages... to find a call from Ryan. He took BOTH of our keys to work with him this morning. That means, if I decide to go anywhere... I cannot take my bike with me.
*back seizes*
*tries to stop mind from gibbering away in panic and fear*
Call Simone, appraise her of the situation. Starts to cry.
And cry.
And cry.
Then sob.
Then lose it.
I see Melodee and ask her for a cig. She doesn't smoke, but my other neighbor, Deborah (I think it was), did. She gave me two. I think they really liked that they could finally be there for me. They have seen me for almost a year and yet, our relationships haven't progressed very much than some light speech here and there. People are intimidated by me at home -- which I don't always mind, but I am glad everyone knows I'm a cream puff sometimes. She hugged me and talked to me a lot about perfection and being human. She also offered me her bike and gave me the key to it. I decided not to use her bike -- to just walk -- but I need to hold onto her key for a little longer....
Ryan's email:
Bear,
I somehow grabbed your keys when I was picking up my iPod headphones… it looks like they were tangled up a little bit, and didn’t realize I had until just now. I Have my keys too, which (I think) leaves you without a way to unlock your bike. I checked to see if I could leave and come back home to drop them off, but it looks like that’s a no-go. If you want to come by, I should be at or around my desk until 8:45. Give me a call, OK?
I’m so sorry!
Love,
BP
****
Today was sit down and sob for yourself day. The Great Lady had herself a cry.
I am so like my grandmother in that fashion... in being a Great, no, a GRAND lady. Spine erect. Looking just so. Poised. Controlled. Focused.
Some days, you lose.
But you gain so much more. Like honesty. Miss Schmidt booted me from her class today. I didn't feel hurt by it. I fet sad for her. My behavior hasn't been all that good and she has been the receiver of it.
Today, I realized, with some fright and ease, how connected I am to this tapastry of Cooper life -- how I am important, how what I am doing is important.
I cannot miss days. I cannot have crisises that mean I miss my classes. I have to step it up even more than I have without stressing myself completely out.
The bright spot of my day was having Alaina, Harley, and Kaitin all at once. H is more advanced than the other two, but I knew it could work. It was only a case of channelling H's energy, making sure K felt safe and secure and not shy and keeping A's ego aligned to her abilities and helping her understand that I had control of the class and Harley would not be a distubance. It went really well.
My first idea was to play Scrabble with them -- modified, of course, -- but I couldn't find the game anywhere. Heck, looking around, I STILL don't see it anywhere.
posted by Ergane @ 3:32 PM
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